Time Isn't On Our Side

Well, I found out on Saturday that my aunt Toi died...last November.

Yeah, you read that correctly. It's a long story, but my dad's an alcoholic, and is estranged from his brother. However, I've always kept in contact with my Aunt Toi and Uncle Fred (and my cousins). Granted, I'm not the most consistent, but I make sure to call a few times a year. My uncle tried to get in contact with us earlier, but I guess my aunt had our numbers in her yahoo contact section, and he didn't know her password. It's strange that hackers can get our most personal information, but a spouse couldn't get even past the password.

Anyway, it's made me re-evaluate how I spend my time. I love to spend time with my family, but I get so distracted. I'm the kind who will be down to hang out any time, but if you don't call me, it doesn't happen. Most of my free time (ie, time not at work) is unplanned, except for choir practice on Tuesday nights and Bible Study on Wednesday evening and Sunday morning. Everything else is wide open to suggestion, and that's how I roll.

But the fact that my aunt has been in heaven for four months now makes me think about things differently. I need to be more purposeful with my time, and not just go with the flow. I realize that, if I just go with the flow, I'm not going in any particular direction- I'm aimless. And that is just unacceptable.

I'm really praying about how to go about changing. I've started in another area, and this one is even more important. I guess that's how things go, though. Baby steps. My first one was emailing my sister in law for my nieces' softball schedule. I want to make sure I'm at every game on the weekend, and as many as I can make on the weekdays. If she doesn't email me back, then I'm going to stop by tomorrow after work. That's another thing. They live around the corner, and I don't see them nearly enough. I was raised to call before going to visit. My brother doesn't have this rule, though, and it's tough to break these things that are so ingrained. However, I am determined to make changes, and this has to be one of them.

There are more little epiphanies, but Aunt Toi's death coupled with the death of Laurie (my step-brother's mom), has left me drained. I'm grateful, because both were lovers of Jesus. I know they are with Him even now, and that gives me peace and joy. But my heart aches. It's hard, because I'm generally a very upbeat person, so it's very noticable when I'm not doing as well. If I were the meloncholy type, or just regular in emotions, I don't think anyone would notice. But I usually have a smile on my face at all times, so when that is gone, people want to know why. I appreciate the concern my friends (and sometimes acquaintances) have for me. BUT- like my smile used to be, my tears come just as easily these days. I'm tired of crying, but I know that is part of mourning. So, I'll endure the pain and persevere, and I know that "joy will come in the morning." Which morning, I'm not sure. But it will come.

Time. We always think we have enough, but it's amazing how easily it slips through our fingers.